It hurts to fall in love sometimes. Love can make your heart fly, but if you’re with the wrong person, if it all comes crashing down, that same heart can shatter into a million little pieces.
Never promise your heart to someone who trades in lies.
All this relationship advice and major spoilers and more in this week’s Game of Thrones review.
This is the second week in a row we’ve ended on a real “Hell yeah!” moment, though for very different reasons.
After Tyrion’s impassioned monologue and his final call for a trial by combat last week, we (Well, people who didn’t read the books, anyway.) were left wondering who was left to fight for the Imp. Pretty quickly we learn that a very disappointed Jaime is in no physical position to challenge Cersei’s champion Gregor ”The Mountain“ Clegane. Which sucks for Tyrion because as much as he loves his brother, one last burn on their terrible father and his lust for a legacy would’ve been at least a small consolation in case Tyrion lost the trial by combat.
Tyrion does seem ungrateful towards his brother, but you can’t really blame him for not wanting a life without whores and wine and sun and color. Though he’d probably have a longer life without whores and wine, since his record with that really sucks.
The next possible champion? Yeah, as soon as Bronn walked through the cell door wearing a cloak, you know it wasn’t going to happen. Sellswords gonna do what sellswords gonna do. Bronn’s just lucky he wasn’t a whore. Whores don’t get offers of marriage and titles and castles for turning on their friends. I liked that extra beat when Tyrion held Bronn’s hand as they said goodbye. No hard feelings.
So: Oberyn Martell has come to claim his justice for the rape and murder of his sister. A handsome, headstrong, heroic warrior with a fixation on vengeance? And who doesn’t fall for Cersei’s crocodile tears? I’d have started with Oberyn. I can’t wait to see his other fabled skills. The ones best used outside of a brothel.
Across the Narrow Sea, Dany’s champion seems to be Daario, who coincidentally also loves a good fight and a good brothel. I’ve got to give some respect to the Queen of Meereen using her power to demand a bit of sex, but not even the rare glimpse of a naked man is enough to make me care when that naked man is Daario 2.0.
But I’ll begrudgingly give him some credit for not doing a walk of shame the morning after: “She’s in a good mood.” That was pretty hilarious.
While I’m not always a huge fan of Jorah’s “Nice Guy” routine when it comes to his failed attempts at wooing Dany, he made an excellent case against Dany’s harsh judgment. “I wouldn’t be here if Ned Stark did to me what you would do to the masters of Yunkai.” It’s true. How far he’s come. But what if things go poorly in Yunkai for Daario and the Second Sons—especially with Hizdahr zo Loraq as an ambassador? Would this be the final wedge between Dany and Jorah?
Dany’s pyramid doesn’t have a Moon Door, does it?
Sansa building Winterfell out of snow was one of those moments from A Storm of Swords that I’ve been waiting to see. In all of Game of Thrones’ pageantry, there are so many little touches that humanize these characters and a desperately lonely Sansa Stark’s homesickness resonates as something poignant and real among the dragons and ice zombies. Anyone who loved the Starks, who loved the relative simplicity of the show’s first season, misses Winterfell and what it represented. Before it was burned and sacked, it was the symbol of stability. Now we’re all as lost as Sansa.
So it sure felt good to watch Sansa smack her cousin for kicking her snow castle down. Is Robin-slapping the new Joffrey-slapping?
There are worse things yet to come for Robin, like when he finds out he’s got to switch to calcium supplements from here on out.
While there’s not much pleasure in watching an emotionally stunted brat get slapped around, it was definitely crazy and shocking to watch Littlefinger push Lysa out her own Moon Door. And after confessing he never loved her, only her sister Cat. Ouch. That’s a masterstroke of bad breakup etiquette. though I must say I thought the scene played out much better in the book. That’s when we got Lysa admitting her role in the death of her husband and the full extent of her particular insanity.
But the end result is the same: never bet against Littlefinger and his ambition. Which is the bigger prize to him: being Lord Protector of the Vale or being alone with Sansa?
Final Thoughts:
- What does the Lord of Light want with Stannis’ daughter Shireen? This is something new and, since it involves Melisandre, it’s probably not good. Some king’s blood to make up for the loss of Gendry?
- Meanwhile, at the Wall: Zzzzzzz.
- While I love Arya’s adventures with the Hound, their roadtrip doesn’t have much of an overall impact on other storylines, so it can feel a little slow. However, their performances are so spot-on. Arya, with her nihilism and stabbing skills. The Hound sharing a rare human moment with his companion, as he tells her about how all alone he really is. It didn’t have big implications, but it was a quiet moment to rival Sansa’s snowcastle. I never thought a “Thank you” could be so cold.
- Brienne and Pod and HOT PIE! Oh, I’m so happy to see Hot Pie, definitely happier to see Hot Pie than Brienne was. That was just great. I’m so proud of him—his wolf-bread has gotten really good!
- Is it just me or does the Mountain 3.0 look strangely… cuddly? Sure he’s gigantic, but his face is all round and not scary at all. Maybe because this is the first photo I saw of him and it stuck? Maybe he and Oberyn can hug it out next episode….
Next week: No new episode next week, because of the holiday. And I’m okay with that because I’ll be at my parents’ and just the thought of watching Oberyn and Ellaria share a scene with my parents watching? I’d rather be tortured in the Dreadfort. The show returns in two weeks with ”The Mountain and the Viper.”
Game of Thrones airs Sundays at 9pm ET/PT on HBO.
Theresa DeLucci is a regular contributor to Tor.com, covering True Blood, Game of Thrones, and gaming news. She’s also the resident Hannibal fannibal at Boing Boing. Follow her on Twitter @tdelucci
